This colored hair of mine
Is captured in my fist
strong with dedication
and my neck is bent
by the force I create
upon seeing your face

A bottle of vodka
never felt like the pictures
I found in the magazine
these jay-pegs must like
the sound of my cracking joints
since I am always pulling

My pinky collides into this eye
Still the songs hold me back
so I chomp for blood
of my very own wrist
but there is a string of cheap metal
to keep me from ending this

What is the color of my love?
I tore up every photo I kept
I burned each scrap
Still these faces that never saw
me setting you ablaze
scold me from years long past

If I raise an eyebrow
I see something I never knew
that you were in fact searching
for a whole imperfection
that matched your specific needs
hiding behind a deliciously dirty hand

these poor fingers have been abused
between my strong crushing molars
the flesh is imprinted with marks
that are impatient for a love
to feel what I can't touch
forthcoming and direct

with the silly beeping
I am banging myself
my temples shake my mind
with the burst of light
I can pretend I understand the feeling
of your hair between your teeth

These lines in german
made farce by a fifteen minute geek
explains exactly what I think
of your teeth imprinting
my flesh with a silenced feeling
an almost perfect circle

Why can't you ever say what it is you mean?
Are you saving it?
This room sprinkled with scraps of images
my fingers splotched with ink
this flesh stamped with anger
these hands bent backwards give in

My knuckles connect with a flat screen
Still the image is still and silent
Only the innards of this machine
shudder in fear, shaken from trauma
while the fingerprints impose themselves
on a collection that should be your firm, vibrant wet dry

everything that I know of you is frozen
behind a glass that slides these enforced fingertips
across a solid plane
so that when I trace my hand across
your volatile eyes they never react
from behind your shielding eyeballs

I see you through these greasy bangs
I have always known what can't be shown
to a mass of people who'd never get it
And since we can't speak
with tongues held between molars
press your lips towards mine

My father would smack me for my insolence
Since these words can't convey
The feeling that grows beyond my skin
and with this latent passion
looking for an exit
I will show you that you are necessary

Perhaps the look of my physicality
makes you think I will never be enough
but as the string of your spittle
stretches to make a mess of denim
it disconnects and drips into
a momentary explanation

I thought I was doing well enough
to be called any name but retarded
But to the prefect in the sky
I am nothing more than a loss
of words that could have meaning
If someone wasn't always judging me

a confusion rises like yeast in the oven
I slam down alcohol to accept it
Sitting here pounding my temples
Sipping an unfeeling reality
all I ask for is your manhood
slipping itself into my cavern

If I had an outlet for my desire
someone to share this intent with
I wouldn't need the things that hinder me
but how far do I need to grind my teeth
how far must I shudder in aggression
before a new sun rises before me?

And as the rest of this twenty bucks
shatters and spills onto the floor
I smack myself again and again
to open up something to show you
this is how My needs feel
but nothing ever changes

After all my attempts
I wonder if any of us will ever be happy
While my eyes are now dry
and my face is a mess
and my body stinks of unfulfilled desire
All I can do is put something in my stomach

The statuette that illustrates me
slashes into my flesh
the blood that boils up
tastes so good that I don't care
If people call me a vampire
for recycling what is my own

Still I attack myself
and my vision erupts in light
but I cannot rise beyond these limits
because my knowledge must be wrong
if it was correct you would be here
standing beside me now.

i need support
something or someone
to reflect off of
to show me how pure I am
a thing who can let me know
that breathing me in is wonderful

And as much as I try to hold back
from these tears that are building
better than a world I can't find
I can stay here and spend some money
to set my mind three inches to the left
and make me believe this fuck is right

Still, I am always looking to my right
for my savior to be beside me
to take me to a place that feels like home
so that now and then are only specks
of a reality that isn't something I can accept
who can find beauty in my wrinkled hands

I wonder if I am wrong
to have believed I never deserved this
I expected my rainbow to have arrived
before I spent years beating myself
before I played for years in a game
I was never going to ever win

And yet, As I am lost, as I am broken
As I am high, As I sing out
I wanted only you and always you
to speak to me saying the words
that sent my mind reeling in true joy
so that my laugh is real enough to infect

And as thought I never sat back
I never held myself from my destiny
I never was able to reach one thing
I was never able to feel you against me
I have not succeeded in finding
either of us beyond my heavy head

I can't ever stop trying
But going on is so aggravating
And although someone knows
that there is more to do
NEVER have I been able to find you
And the strength I borrowed fell before you

does it matter my name or rank
when the droplets of my waste
spit onto my own hand?
Although I disspell what I can't use
i can't keep myself from tearing
against my own gentile flesh

I cannot deny the trial I never accepted
For everyone who ever saw me
I have to prove it can be overcome
Since Love is what I am fighting for
I'll have to stand against a murmur
a whispering of doubt and distrust

So while the world grumbles
hiding its eyes from one another
I'll have to be strong
Rising above a blanket of hinderance
the silence someone decided was best
Must be combatted against.

And ever after all these lines
that might explain I could never win
I will still show my squishy insides
If you are disgusted in seeing me
then turn away once more
while I march ever forward

Some will eat my preciousness
as if I am nothing more than a feast
some will attack me from above
as if they are more angelic than I
Some will try to break me apart
since it's better to fight that submit

And all of these make me smile
because they are all living
While someone complains
someone else begs
and I spin around to provide
for each and every possibility

but these clasped fists
fingers buried into my hands
The nails hurt and mark me deep
While I wait for another meal
to be called out to partake
in a momentary evaluation

The clock ticks down
and I am begged for my attention
I check my wrist void of time
the thickness of my veins
reminds me of my pounding heart
behind my eyes, your face always appears

So tonight, After pulling at my hair
After biting into my flesh
after drawing with my blood
I will embrace a fleeting moment
of emotion I can never share
for the sake of knowing I feel you

The songs are repeating
the apartment is stinking
I will need some air
I now step away from the images
I can never shake
to capture a moment of my own sanity

Even without you I always remember
how you were always my everything
as the cold wet air infects these lungs
As the scent of clove begs me out
I will never be able to let go of the drive
which shakes me, breaks me, moves me

and someday the sick of drink
won't bind my stomach in knots
the sunrise of today won't beg me
to fill my lungs with tarnished air
and these pictures of you will not
hold me back from seeing knowledge

my heart will blossom once more
in the face of all the disaster
to prove once and for all
that love does conquer
over fear and doubt
Leaving me shining once again