Family - Life 101 Lecture

Definitions for Family:

1. parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not.

2. any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins

3. a group of related things or people

4. a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and, frequently, live together

5. a group of persons who form a household under one head, including parents, children, and servants.

Mothers, Fathers, Grandparents, Brothers, Sisters, Step siblings, Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins.
A friend of a friend, a dear friend, the girl in your art class, the boy who lives around the corner, Neighbors, the people you get drunk with, the people you live with, the ones you cook for, share meals with, and share your hopes and dreams with.

I have a big family, but we are all separated and lonely.

Disclaimer: This lecture goes into detail about myself. They are documented in order for you to see the similarites in my experience to your own.

As a child I used to run up to anyone who "felt" the same way I did. I saw things in these individuals that reflected my own outlook. At the age of 6 I rushed at a man, calling him "Dad" and proceeded to embrace his leg. My mother apologized to Mr. White, which showed me that I had done something wrong. I stepped away from this happy man who seemed to love the unprovoked adoration. I felt the need to put myself in the corner. There I waited, not looking at either of them until mom called me on to go somewhere else.
My biological father and I were estranged from the beginning. Mom tells me that he always wanted to feel me kick, but every moment he reached out I would completely stop. Who knows what my Mother was feeling at that time. It seemed to effect me.

Throughout the course of my years I never asked much from anyone but the right to love them. The very idea that I had to ask to do what came naturally to me didn't jive with my ideals, but from a very young age I realized that it is very easy to be selfish and hurt people. I also learned from my biological family that I would most likely cause more harm than do good by being so actively caring. When your world exists inside a house and the only people you communicate with tell you what you are doing is wrong, it's very easy to change. So I placed my heart on the shelf. I watched as my brothers tried very hard not to lose themselves too. My big brother loved me very much. I have photos to prove it. But I closed myself up to even him. I guess it was just easier for my Father to not let any emotion come back to him. This ended up making the dynamic of my family. We all closed up.

Years passed. I was the object of many crushes, boys used to follow me around. Perhaps they saw I was a love machine and they wanted some attention and adoration. I had turned myself away from this kind of behavior, so I was oblivious. up until I was in Junior High School I had no interest in anything. I had spent my days drawing for no real reason other than I could. I had some of those cool how to draw books specifically designed for kids, and I can't remember who put them out now. But they were specific for subject matter by color, I got the red one and the orange one, and proceeded to have fun drawing tigers and halloween inspired scenes. (damn, I wonder what they were called) Every girl has a horse phase, and I went through mine on paper. Mom and Dad seemed to think drawing was something special to me. It was just a way to use my time. I was satisfied, I think... And then there was Jared.

My heart began to feel again. I wanted something now, something I had been denied this whole time. So i took a step forward, I put myself out on a limb, for my love to be unreturned. I hadn't wanted anything but to have someone to be dear to. And my understanding of the world was dashed once again. Being spurned this way, I gathered up my courage and decided to try again, but quickly my new plans were to be put on hold again. At home the family was breaking apart. My older Brother was becoming a teenager, my younger brother still in Elementary school. Dad moved out, leaving the burden of three children with mom. I sucked up my pride and decided to take care of the people who "deserved" it the most.

I put my heart away again and hurt someone because of it. Maybe I just have bad timing. I had gotten into High School, focused on doing well in my classes and taking care of Mom and J.R. and Matt.

Mikey T. approached me as a freshman in High School and I turned him aside as if his love wasn't good enough for me. I guess I was thinking about something else. At this time I fell inline with a group of female friends (my first who didn't move away after meeting me). I can't say I know for sure what they thought of me. When they got emotional and cried about not being loved I was cold and told most of them to suck it up. I guess if I wasn't allowed to care about people or be cared about by the ones I desired then they weren't worth my time. I shared with these people a passive friendship, never getting too close for fear of it being taken away from me.

But by the time I was a Junior I was burning with unrequited desire while my body was edging me on to get started in the bang bang department. Everyone I approached turned me away, and everything I tried to do failed. I decided I'd wait until college. I kept care of the house. I wanted to make sure my mom wasn't too stressed. I worked a part time job to make my own money, so i wouldn't be a financial burden.

I got into college. Did I want to go to college? No. But I was used to doing the things I hadn't particularly wanted to for a while now, and Dad was certain that college would be better for me then trade school or an apprenticeship. I met a boy... and things just took off. I ended up making some really awesome friends, and for the first time in my life I had people I could gladly call friends. For the first time when I laughed it was real. Stink, Brandon, and Amber were my family. But these good times were not to last. Brandon's family didn't like me from the beginning. Who knows why. He still cared about me, but I couldn't go for something where I was going to be shunted. Stink's mom was also very expressive about my negative effect on her daughter. Here I am helping these kids just learn to smile and the people who are supposed to care about them bad mouth me and turn me away. Amber's Parents tho, Stellar. They welcomed me into the family like one of their own. But then it was graduation time, and off we went, to the corners of the globe. Without our "family" we couldn't seem to get inspired to do anything. Here we are 4 years later, none of us particularly happy, but all of us moved on.

I found Erlend again (after opening him up some 5 years before), and he has never left my side. We share a "I will stand beside you, fight with you." mentality. We know that there is no way we can go on without having something to depend on. We love each other as Man and Woman do, as they need one another. We never had a very heart throbbing, passionate relationship. But his ability to stand by me in my time of need, to protect me when I get lost, and his focus to get me where I need to be for the good of all makes him my dearest friend, My closest relative, the only brother I know I have.

Well I never stopped trying. I keep trying to find a family. My blood relatives are scattered all up and down the east coast. We talk occasionally, as it was the same when we lived together. I thought it was normal. To this day I haven't found a variation in any family unit. My female friends all want that prince to come, the one who can wipe away all the years of emptiness and tears. The guys I know seem ready to settle down with anything that walks and talks so they aren't alone. So there are all these women growing into themselves who have no idea how to love, while the guys seem to have given up the idea of love. We are all waiting for a hero who will send a wave of understanding to open up these boys and hold onto these girls. We could very easily make family with the ones around us, just to get us by, but not us children of the 80s. We were told we could be anything we wanted. Strange how we knew from the start exactly what we needed and wanted, and where told, no no no, compassion and amour are bad for business.

I have met many people recently who are just dying to get into a family. They beg and plead and want until the first sign of difficulty. then they give up, turn their others away, and head back down the lonely road. We push one another away, then wonder why we are alone. We don't know exactly how to work with one another. And its easy to get fed up. Years and Years of searching, half heartedly hoping for something miraculous to come around has made us all lethargic to the work that goes into a family. I love my family. I am willing to try to do anything for them. I want so much to be able to have a house, a big house where we all can live. So none of us have to be alone anymore. I had hoped if I had found my one true love then I could inspire everyone else to love honestly. I wanted to show people it was ok to stand up, walk over, and embrace someone you care for. But as I have reached out to touch them, they shake their head and run states away. When I do find people I can be close to, i head on in. only to inspire jealousy from my own friends, criticism from my family, and a general disgust from the community. I'm not trying to get into peoples pants. Seriously, I just want to be able to share all the love that is sitting inside of me just waiting to get out. This was never about sex. This is real love, the kind that inspires lovemaking, but more so, a close connection that should always come naturally in time, instead of being rushed into because you are so lonely that you need a deep connection A.S.A.P. Love isn't a pill, compassion isn't a drug, there is no quick fix that brings deep seeded love to you in an instant. Feelings grow like flowers. You cannot expect that knocking boots is going to give you the feeling of completion you have been seeking. Overtime you will learn how to put all of the guilt and pain and longing away and you will find yourself unfolding yourself to someone. That is a good time to try to experiment with the next step in being close by sharing your bodies. until you get there, try the first steps in being close.

We are a strong generation in need of all the help we can get. We know that with a few kind words and a hand to hold we can stand tall and take on any obstacle.

And then we get stuck. Who wants to try only to fail again? especially when it has always failed before. We all spend our days bitching about how bad everything is, how cruel people are, how stupid things are getting, and yet we don't do a thing to change it. We wait and hope for some divine intervention to take control and lead us down the right path. It is true that God works in mysterious ways, but you have to be responsible for your own life. If you turn people away, don't be irate that you are alone. If there are people reaching out to you, don't turn them asunder. If in time it doesn't work out, then you have learned. There is little reason not to try to be compassionate toward anyone you meet. But also be forgiving. It is a waste of your energy to always feel slighted. If things aren't going in the direction you would like them to, then become a more active member in your own life. We are looking for our families here. The ones who regardless of blood connections or marriage will fight beside you, let you cry in their arms, will hold you in your time of need, will smile and wave and rush over to you just to say hello, will make you eat their cooking even if it is bad, will give you gifts of items and emotions, will be sure you never have an unfulfilled birthday again, and will find themselves in jail sitting next to you telling you how very fun that last adventure was.

Your Family is there for you. Seek them out, let them in, think of them, let them think of you. Put your old pain up on the shelf. Take the time you need to get yourself together, then run into the arms of the ones who you love. In my experience it makes them happy. None of us has lost yet. We are still young and proud. We know what we need, we know what we want. We also know to achieve it we need a solid foundation to jump from. So take some time out to answer your phone calls, to drop in to visit a friend, to hug someone in need. We have all had hard times of it, so lets move past the frustration and open ourselves up to our hearts. It comes naturally. We have conditioned ourselves to deny our own needs. Now that we aren't being told no by anyone, now that we can be in control of ourselves, be good to one another.