I was minding my own business
just starting out on my own
And an image on the television
knocked me flat on my ass
So i tuned it out to fall asleep
and in my dream touchingly real
a man I knew called me out
he lay me down on a stump
the rings of the devastated tree
felt my flesh pressed and pushed
Then, after he finished
he took my hand and lead me off
into a rolling open field of green

We laughed as we ran into tomorrow
until we couldn't go any farther
elegantly we fell to the ground
exhausted we drifted into sleep
then I woke to a world gray
muted silent and empty
So I carried on, washing dressing
I had nothing other to keep doing
outside of my unconscious mind
I pressed forward always thinking
of that next day when I would be
chasing down a bright future
filled with love and happiness

The nights were spent in cars
where old songs lasted hours
my only friend kept me safe and warm
he welcomed me into his bed
to try to figure something out
i opened myself to him alone
when I was unsure he called it love
so i agreed since I had no idea
we wined and dined and played
thinking I could open myself up
still my vision never left me alone
wherever I went I was haunted
by a specter residing in my soul

We packed up our lives
into three different cars
to drive into our time together
the days got shorter
the moonlight never faded
and just as we began to smile
the world was pulled out from under us
we banded together in this new trial
but it seemed like I was the only one
trying to make it blossom
I made the bread while he faded into dust
my misconception of a relationship
was tried each and every day

I crashed into bed every night
in my early morning delusion
that man buried deep inside
turned me away violently
while my bedfellow shoved me aside
and I was left without purpose
but to wash, feed, and clothe
someone who kept me in orbit
while the perfect one raped me
the imperfection took my worth
years of my youth sucked up
by the sound of bubbling water
the cost of uncontrollable addiction

So I walked away from it all
hoping to save a part of myself
so if a day ever came that I would marry
I could have a shred of dignity
and a glimmer of purity left
Then the man from the TV showed up
in my CD player telling me cruel things
So I went looking for trouble
anything to shake me senseless
to bring back my hopeful beliefs
a year passed without any calm
the guilt rose up in my body
flowing throughout my veins

i crawled back to a place I called home
against my better judgment
Luckily I made a brand new friend
who lived to be consumed
a bottle bound release
taught me how to cry once again
My old world stank of deficiency
a chemically induced mutation
reverberated against the wall
in a forced, faked exuberance
I sat in darkness, letting the saline fall
And I began to understand
there would be no end to this hurt

In that room watching and waiting
until a simple mistake shattered
the windows of my only escape
between the crack dealers upstairs
and the hooligans in the streets
I demanded something better
Since I was promised security
I expected some comfort
I checked my watch a few times
then woke up on an air mattress
the year was blindingly new
I was bubbling with champagne
laying beside crushing despair

Then money became an issue
My mood wasn't worth a dime
I was predicting impending doom
searching for a way to save us all
My body was never soothing enough
to overthrow the desire to purchase
something big, new and shiny
I started to work with the public
speaking in tongues
wavering with each new breeze
since the earth was now flat
seemingly tilted to throw people off
I stood my ground leaning upright

Then the man who couldn't throw me away
started crawling into my bed
the spirit dressed in white and black
as he stands ready to jump
his tie flying in the wind
into his own oblivion
there is the feeling of breath on my face
as the whispers of his adoration creep inside
his masked face couldn't hide his eyes
which were large and green
when he saw me slipping into his bath
everyone could see what he couldn't believe

There is the look in one man's eyes
that I am carrying the soul of another man's child
I feel the weight of a new life fermenting
into a form I might never be able to reach
the weight gain and the stretching of flesh
tells the story of something impossible
There are names thrown around
I continue to stand my ground
in a world of never ending possibility
I won't be able to deny the miraculous
a dictation from far above
requires me to be good to the little one
since he will always be my own

The ladies all around me are taking me in
their experiences are molding his existence
in a few short months I will be birthing
a brave strong smart pioneer
to be sucked into the hollow body
which is just now being formed
So i pump in the classical music
teamed with punk, metal, and pop
to give him something to work with
I coddle the needful who never ask
we turn away the mindless wastes
he reminds me of the important things
like compassion, truth, and justice

And I can't forget about the blokes
who offer me their knowledge
breaking away the dark clouds
showing me how to hold his heart
when his overworked parents neglect
his basic desire to be heard
then if the time ever comes when he's lost
I can shine a beacon from light years away
that even his empty hand
is warmed with the heat of a billion stars
pulsating with the rate of a billion hearts
in the cold dead of the winter night
he can heal the unforgiving lonely

It's all a little bright eyed expectation
this is where I find myself
Caught between hope and love
cozy cuddled down into a white cloud
even after all these difficult times
I am still expected to do my damnedest
but since the man in my dreams
the one I love most of all got me pregnant
I'll prepare the sweet thing for the confusion
which will surround us in the days to come
I'll start now to make an accepting place
Where people like us aren't awed or feared
we'll be treated like we belong

The mistakes of my life shouldn't
have to stain the hands of the pure
I won't be there to tend scrape knees
to tussle your young silky hair
while your mom and pop won't meet me
you mean so much to have three of us
all working together to create a beauty
for some very special other ones
who will be brought to life touching you
If in your formative age you wonder
about what was never yet always there
although I'll be gray, thin, and too busy
my first words will always be here

It is my hope that when you start
you will have that last piece
which hardly anyone ever finds
even if you can't get where I am coming from
I tell you to look beyond the confusion
you'll find the love you're running from
it will glow in the distance
burning brilliantly to beg your onward
it is when you can bring it close to your chest
that all the questions will be unveiled
a staircase will ascend
leading you to your very own throne